I have been wrestling with God a lot lately. I cry a lot about how things have been. I feel alone in what is going on and how circumstances have played out. I find myself doubting, stressing, and letting the tiniest things ruin my day.
I would indulge you in all the details, but I am not sure I am ready to be so open about some of them (so then why taunt you with even telling this to begin with? Good question).
I know that what I am struggling with isn't the end of the world. That one day, I will look back on these moments and think of them fondly and be grateful for how God used me and grew me.
But sometimes, the struggles are so crushing. I forget about the bigger picture. I forget or choose to ignore God and who He has shown Himself to be over and over. This time, I am struggling, that despite the things I know about Him, to run to His open arms.
Why is that? Do you ever experience this?
Why at moments am I so willing, so eager to just throw myself into His embrace and have such a peace about things working out, because He is in control and other times I would rather avoid praying entirely and stress myself out about things.
Why at some moments am I so aware of His hand working through things and other times I can't seem to find signs of Him anywhere? Why at moments, am I so confident of who I am in the Lord, that I find it easy to embrace the quirky parts of who I am. And at other moments, I find myself loathing how dorky/quiet I am, or the things I say, or how I interact with people?
I am seriously my own worst memory. I so quickly let Satan get a grasp on my heart, my head, my spirit. I let Satan rule my mind with negative things about myself, my job, my life.
When in reality, despite the trials that seem to last forever, I am His beloved and that means He will care for me, protect me, and love me forever and ever (amen). He has countlessly provided for us financially, in the wildest ways. He has used the most ridiculous things to draw Andrew & I closer. He uses the most unexpected people to speak truth, love, and encouragement to me. He is always waiting for me to let it go, and to trust in Him & His plan.
Ah, if only I was not always so proud to admit that I need Him daily, hourly, secondly...
So readers, I ask that you keep me in prayer as I wrestle with these struggles, thoughts, and pride. That I'd be mindful of areas that I let Satan get a foothold and lose focus of God. That I would be steadfast, faithful, and give myself daily to God. Finding contentment in where I am now, and being hopeful that He is using this time to grow me into the woman He desires. That I wouldn't be afraid to be a light where I am, and that love would be more of an action for me and not just a word.